Between Love and War

'BOO-FOR'S & soldiers of fortune'

In military thinking, the might of a gun depends on the quantum and ferocity of firepower it can bring to bear on opposing forces. However, when the 'know all' bureaucracy and 'wealth sucking' politicians enter the domain of military shopping ,for an ant hill,you pay the price of a gold mine.

Going by history, we have a time tested yardstick for choosing our arsenal . Long ago, a very talented gunsmith from a far away land ,caught the drift of a trade wind in the ocean and set sail to sell combat wares to our all and mighty. On embarking on our shores, to his dismay, he found fellow gun smiths from banana republics far and wide, selling sanitary pipes capable of launching a single pseudo pregnant bull frog across the neighbours maternity chamber as mainstay artillery. 

Aghast at the buyers propensity, he chose to allow his wares to stand out in merit. BOOM went the gun. The military stood impressed, the competition stood perplexed, the conniving cocktail of bureaucracy and polity found grass growing under their well greased feet. The gunsmith felt, he had clinched the deal on the worth of his barell.

A small framed bureaucrat, well traveled at the expense of competition,  stood up, brought together his hands in applause and remarked ''brilliant.....very promising, but we are a peace loving nation, arsenal of this magnitude will commence the end of the world from our own daisy and orchid bearing back yard, what we seek is a muzzle that can launch stool pigeons from one end of a ping pong table to the other. So...very good, but unfortunately does not serve our purpose ''  With this announcement, it was now the turn of the military to be perplexed,competition to be impressed and the bureaucracy-polity duo to mow unwanted grass from beneath their well anchored feet.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is also part of the dismal  tale of how we as a state indulge in the worthy art of state sponsored shopping.

 

The President's Principles of Flight

The unsuspecting taxpayers weak heart would not so gladly,miss a well deserved beat when stealing a curious glance at the Presidents travel bill. 

Rs 205 crore on overseas jaunts alone ?????

What did the honorable President of an austerity preaching government do to incur such an elephantine travel cheque ? But obvious, this is one pinching query that will solicit no convincing answer. However, touts brokering banana republics on e bay have a theory of their own to offer.A spokesperson from the Presidents office, a subset of the above tout clan, on conditions of anonymity uses the forces of flight viz Lift,Weight,Thrust and Drag to explain the result of the obese 'phoren' travel bill.

LIFT

This is a positive force wielded by the President, her kith, kin,fauna,flora,germs,virus and anything in the vicinity bearing a presidential liking. This microcosm can lift itself from the presidential confines of Rashtrapati Bhavan to enjoy a tan on the pristine beaches of Greece or gyrate to the rhythms of hip dislodging Samba in Brazil.All courtesy, the power flaunting wings that have elected her to office.

WEIGHT

If you are a distant cousin of the President who harbours dreams of skiing in the Alps, dial 'A' for auntie dear and that will ensure that the office of President is not weighed down by decorum, rule or principle. Rest assured,her good office would have you manifested on the festive chartered jets holiday itinerary. 

THRUST

Thrust is defined as the force that propels an object forward.Thrust is also defined as this gentle, kind and caring force which sends the President and her extended family to  twenty two countries on an all expenses paid holiday. Accommodation, local travel, daily allowance and "miscellaneous" expenses, according to the information provided by the ministry of external affairs, is only a meager 36 crore. Now what great force of this nation can propel whimsical gimmicks of this proportion.The answer lies in the obvious,polity of the day,plagued by ethical paralysis.

  

DRAG

Philosophically, life is a vicious circle.In saying so, we get the governance we deserve.If the electorate was vibrant,judicious and mature, the 'drag' acting  on such an audacious wanderlust would have ensured a no take off.

FAROOQ ABDULLAH's piggy bank woes

Recently, a socially mannered and well meaning piggy bank, the largest in its stock, lost its way from its rather humble sty in the Jammu & Kashmir Cricket Association run piggery and wandered into the ministerial abodes of the associations chairman. Predictably, like most of his stock, his innards were emptied of every last dime and the vacuum bellied pig, unceremoniously shown the door.

Tired,hungry and exhausted, the mass of swine and twine commenced retracing his naive and misled steps back to his feeding ground when en route, he was ambushed by the fourth estate.A hasty interview,familiar in tone but tangent in content followed...

Piggy Bank, Piggy Bank, where have you been ?

I've been to the chairman, to be wiped out clean.

Piggy Bank, Piggy Bank, what did you do there ?

I straightened the other pigs who went against the chair.

With the interview done and the valley abuzz with the news of a scandal, the hollow willows of the valley commenced a new game, the blame game.

The centre stage actor, in his signature style, appears, floods his eyes with a  liberal flow of crocodile tears and utters the award winning cliche , that every politician learns when he enters the arena  ...'' this is a political conspiracy ''  

Well....take your pick...CONSPIRACY or CON-S-PIRACY ?

ME THE MALAYALI

DICTION,FASHION & PROPORTION

A. DICTION.

It is the innate ability of my Malayali ancestry, to rival the English language like an Englishman that compels the Ghost of Wordsworth to change colour from pale white to buffalo green. While the poor Brit spewed through his stiff upper lip, constipating generations of Union Jack oratories,  the Malayali chettan let loose from his stiffer lower lip, flooding phonetic lavatories. Thus, 'temple' to the sundry was heard  as 'temble','simply' as 'simbly', the feline 'cat' stretched its existence to 'caat' , the killer instinct in a 'donkey' was replaced by the sublime g-string sporting 'dongey' and certainly not the least,the runaway fraternal slang 'pop' has been elevated in diction, to the papal distinction of 'pope'. Thus,heard commonly in flavoured Kerala pop musical circles   'Madonna is singing and dancing to sexy pope music...papa don'd breach'. The Papacy, as we read is still reeling under Madonna and Malayalis in equal measure.

B. FASHION

Half my country cousins are. accused of being trade unionists. The other half is believed to run the Indian  porn industry. This explosive amalgamation of Karl Marx and Vatsayana is epitomized by the  lungi. Worn perpetually at half mast, the garment is hoisted or lowered  with ergonomic ease before a labour strike or after hastened copulation,whichever his day begins with. Either way, the lungi is the atomic Keralite's cultural flag that sways on a steady diet of testosterone. In native dressing ethics, an act of omission will displace 'Gods own nut'

C. PROPORTION

When mentioning nuts,  the Malayali  and the omnipresent coconut is a gleaming symbol of man-tree love.In the many positions revealed in the 'cocosutra' , the fruit and its bearer, a sky kissing palm tree, haunts the average Malayali from birth to death. The man vehemently displays the utility of the omnipresent coconut using liberal geometric progression. If cooking is undertaken with the produce of one tree a day,Hair will be greased with the produce of two trees a day.If both the above are true, toddy will be consumed with the produce of nine trees a day.If not true, please pull up your nuts and quantify 'true bloodiness' as equal to jero.